Daily journal: 2. THOUGHTS

I woke up like from a nightmare, it was warm but it riped apart the feelings. It was like an avalanche coming inside out. At first I was confused then I realisez how much it bothered me what happened lately. All the thoughts we have at night increase trough sleep and get deeper, thatโ€™s why when I woke up I felt exhausted. You know itโ€™s just another daily struggle and we are causing it. I overthink everything, I empathise.. huge advantages in understand the world but huge mistakes for my internal self. Is it bad to want to understand others? Is it bad to want to pull them to you? Maybe, but rationally you canโ€™t go over otherโ€™s will.

I started writting another day of my struggle, Why? I dont know, it makes me feel better the thought that someone is listening, maybe they find themselves in this, maybe they overcame it or just maybe Iโ€™m being selfish.

Why so many thoughts? Is it better to sealed them?

Daily journal: 1. LOST

I had some thoughts these days. Sometimes I get this feeling like Iโ€™m choking, like Iโ€™m just sinking deeper, floating at the bottom.. with no rope to hold on, no hand to pick me up. I think itโ€™s not just a feeling, itโ€™s my poor state of mind. Rationally I know that we have to move on, to go forward but all my ties are cut off, I saw them piece by piece breaking apart. How can you move on when you feel this emptiness in you and around you?! How can you be happy again when all the reasons to be seem not enough? Maybe itโ€™s expecting too much? Maybe they were not the right people around?

What makes you move forward? What drives you to be happy? What are you dealing with?


๐•€โ„•๐•Š๐•€๐”ป๐”ผ ๐•†๐•Œ๐•‹ ๐•ƒ๐”ผ๐•‹๐•‹๐”ผโ„

Iarta-ma pentru ca vazul si auzul mi-au fost zdruncinate.

Iarta-ma pentru ca nu am stiut sa te protejez.

Iarta-ma pentru ca nu ti-am spus sa te opresti cand bateai la usa haosului.

Iarta-ma pentru ca am fost prea egoista si nu m-am gandit la tine apoi.

Iarta-ma pentru ca te-am vandut pe iluzii si sentimente vagi.

Iarta-ma pentru ca te-am lasat in voia drumului si incet te-am ratacit.

Iarta-ma pentru ca nu mai vorbim aceeasi limba si mi-e greu sa te mai inteleg.

Iarta-ma pentru ca am lasat un moment de ratacire sa te destrame.

Iarta-ma pentru ca te-am inlaturat si mi-e greu sa te aduc inapoi.

Iarta-ma pentru ca am incercat sa te distrug chiar eu si sa te aduc in uitare.

Iarta-ma pentru ca am crezut ca e prea tarziu.

Iarta-ma pentru ca am fost convinsa ca nu te merit si ca nu are rost sa te astept.

Iarta-ma pentru ca te-am tarat in mijlocul razboiului si te-am pus fundament al greselii mele.

Iarta-ma pentru ca am incercat sa lupt cu tine.

Iarta-ma pentru ca te-am tinut in gloantele confuziei si nu am vrut sa-ti dau drumul.

Iarta-ma pentru ca te-am lasat sa te sfasie cu dintii si sa te sparga in bucatele mici.

Iarta-ma pentru ca nu mi-am dat seama cat ai vrut sa fii de partea mea si a lor.

Iarta-ma pentru ca te-am lasat sa fii arbitru intr-un meci pe care nu il puteam castiga .

Iarta-ma pentru ca te-am folosit atunci cand imi aduceai zambet si bucurie.

Iarta-ma pentru ca nu am stiut sa ma opresc inainte sa-ti fac rau.

Iarta-ma pentru ca am vrut ceva ce tu stiai ca nu poti avea.

Iarta-ma pentru ca acum, pentru tine, ma opresc.

Iarta-ma si iarta-te.


๐’ซ๐‘’๐‘œ๐“…๐“๐‘’ ๐’ถ๐“‡๐‘’ ๐’ป๐’พ๐‘”๐’ฝ๐“‰๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘”โ€ฆone way or another, with, between them or against something else. Itโ€™s an endless struggle we call life. Sometimes we are optimistic, looking forward to the near future, looking at what we can do  and on the other hand, we are seeing the pessimistic side, we focus on what we canโ€™t do, on how bad things turn up to be. With these said, itโ€™s hard to find a balance, that same balance which we are anger to achieve. Iโ€™m also stuck in finding this balance, in finding the good in the bad, in finding the solution that simply lies ahead.

Sometimes I wish things were easier, people were kinder, but that is not a thing which we can control.  Everyone is choosing ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐’พ๐“‡ ๐‘œ๐“Œ๐“ƒ ๐“…๐’ถ๐“‰๐’ฝ, creating their own laws and principles so if those match yours itโ€™s luck I suppose, but if donโ€™t, you need to accept them with no further questions after all each one of us has the right to live as he pleases. 

So why itโ€™s so hard to let the people around us take a different path?

๐’ช๐“‡ ๐“‰๐‘œ ๐“๐‘’๐“‰ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“‚ ๐’ฝ๐’ถ๐“‹๐‘’ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐’พ๐“‡ ๐‘œ๐“Œ๐“ƒ ๐’ธ๐‘œ๐“ƒ๐’ธ๐‘’๐“…๐“‰๐“ˆ ๐‘’๐“‹๐‘’๐“ƒ ๐’พ๐’ป ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“Ž ๐’น๐’พ๐“ˆ๐’ถ๐‘”๐“‡๐‘’๐‘’ ๐“Œ๐’พ๐“‰๐’ฝ ๐“Š๐“ˆ, ๐“Œ๐’พ๐“‰๐’ฝ ๐‘œ๐“Š๐“‡ ๐“Œ๐’ถ๐“Ž ๐‘œ๐’ป ๐“๐’พ๐’ป๐‘’?

Maybe we are attracted to others, and we think we can take them with us, as we are selfish beings, maybe we need them in our lives to fill the empty place in our emotion that we failed to create. Why are we clinging to them even or especially when they donโ€™t want us?

๐ผ๐“‰ ๐’พ๐“ˆ ๐’ท๐‘’๐’ธ๐’ถ๐“Š๐“ˆ๐‘’ ๐“Œ๐‘’ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐“€ ๐“Œ๐‘’ ๐’ธ๐’ถ๐“ƒ ๐’ถ๐’ธ๐’ฝ๐’พ๐‘’๐“‹๐‘’ ๐‘’๐“‹๐‘’๐“‡๐“Ž๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘”, ๐’ธ๐“Š๐“โ€™ ๐“Œ๐‘’ ๐’ถ๐“‡๐‘’ ๐’ธ๐’ถ๐“…๐’ถ๐’ท๐“๐‘’ ๐‘œ๐“‡ ๐’พ๐“‰ ๐’พ๐“ˆ ๐’ท๐‘’๐’ธ๐’ถ๐“Š๐“ˆ๐‘’ ๐“Œ๐‘’ ๐’ถ๐“๐“Œ๐’ถ๐“Ž๐“ˆ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐“€ ๐“Œ๐‘’ ๐’ธ๐’ถ๐“ƒ ๐’ธ๐’ฝ๐’ถ๐“ƒ๐‘”๐‘’ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“‚ ๐‘œ๐“‡ ๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“๐“… ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“‚?

Until now, I tried not voluntarily or consciously to change and to help others. Iโ€™ve always said to myself : people donโ€™t change, unless they want to and that of course needs a tremendous power of will from them, but I donโ€™t know why I tried to stick with them even if I knew the chances were all against. Well I like competition, I like to win and I like to see the smiles upon otherโ€™s faces when Iโ€™m with them, I like to make them happy, but I donโ€™t know why I insisted so much to help them under the pretexts that maybe they donโ€™t know how to help themselves or they are too shy or they donโ€™t have the power or the support to do it. The answer was always in front of me: if they want, they will do it, but I guess I never wanted to believe the fact that they donโ€™t want to. Iโ€™ve always found reasons why they canโ€™t cuzโ€™ I was afraid to find why they donโ€™t want.

๐‘€๐’ถ๐“Ž๐’ท๐‘’ ๐ผโ€™๐“‚ ๐’ฟ๐“Š๐“ˆ๐“‰ ๐’ท๐‘’๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘” ๐“ƒ๐’ถรฏ๐“‹๐‘’ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐“€๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘” ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’ถ๐“‰ ๐’น๐‘’๐‘’๐“… ๐’น๐‘œ๐“Œ๐“ƒ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“Ž ๐’ฝ๐’ถ๐“‹๐‘’ ๐“€๐’พ๐“ƒ๐’น๐“ƒ๐‘’๐“ˆ๐“ˆ ๐’ถ๐“ƒ๐’น ๐’พ๐“‰โ€™๐“ˆ ๐“ƒ๐‘œ๐“‰ ๐‘’๐“‹๐‘’๐“‡๐“Ž๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘” ๐’ฟ๐“Š๐“ˆ๐“‰ ๐’ถ ๐“‡๐‘’๐’ธ๐“€๐“๐‘’๐“ˆ๐“ˆ ๐“ˆ๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“… ๐’ธ๐“‡๐“Š๐“ˆ๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘” ๐“‰๐‘œ ๐’ถ๐“ƒ ๐’ถ๐’พ๐“ˆ๐’ท๐‘’๐“‡๐‘”.

ONLINE, dar On-the-right-line

แด€tunci cand vorbim de online ne inchipuim o lume virtuala,  ceva intangibil in concret care nu ne poate afecta, un loc in care te poti ascunde, insa, eu consider online-ul ca fiind ส€แด‡แด€สŸษชแด›แด€แด›แด‡แด€ แด…ษชษดแด›ส€-แด แด€สŸแด›แด€ แด˜แด‡ส€sแด˜แด‡แด„แด›ษชแด แด€ si sunt sigura ca influenteaza intr-o masura destul de mare, cel putin in zilele noastre.

Desi nu realizam in mod direct, online-ul ne afecteaza foarte mult moral si emotional atunci cand nu este controlat. De ce spun ca este o realitate dintr-o alta perspectiva? Pentru ca แด›ษชแด˜แด€ส€แด‡สŸแด‡ แดœแดแด€ษดแด‡ sแด‡ ส€แด‡ษขแด€sแด‡sแด„ ษชษดแด…ษชา“แด‡ส€แด‡ษดแด› แด…แด‡ สŸแดแด„แดœสŸ ษชษด แด„แด€ส€แด‡ sแด‡ แด€า“สŸแด€, si anume in viata de zi cu zi sau in mediul virtual, astfel incat asa cum zilnic iti poti da seama de natura omului asa o poti face si prin intermediul ecranului, in fond acesta iti prezinta tie, urmaritorului, o parte din el.

แด›ษชษดแด‡ แด…แด‡ แด›ษชษดแด‡ sแด€ sแด›แด€ส™ษชสŸแด‡sแด›ษช แด„แด‡ า“แด‡สŸ แด…แด‡ แดแด แด ส€แด‡ษช sแด€ า“ษชษช, แด…แด‡แด„ษช แด˜ส€ษชษด แดœส€แดแด€ส€แด‡, แด„แด‡ า“แด‡สŸ แด…แด‡ แด˜แด‡ส€sแดแด€ษดแด‡ แด ส€แด‡ษช sแด€ แดœส€แดแด€ส€แด‡sแด›ษช. แด›ษชษดแด€ษดแด… แด„แดษดแด› แด„แด€ แด€แด„แด‡สŸแด‡ แด˜แด‡ส€sแดแด€ษดแด‡ sแด‡ส€แด แด‡sแด„ แด„แด€ า“แด€แด„แด›แดส€ ษชษด แด…แด‡แดขแด แดสŸแด›แด€ส€แด‡แด€ แด›แด€.

แดษดสŸษชษดแด‡-แดœสŸ แด‡sแด›แด‡ แด แด€า“แด€แด„แด‡ส€แด‡ แด„แด€ส€แด‡ แด ษชษดแด…แด‡, ษชแด€ส€ แด›แดœ แด‡sแด›ษช แด„แดœแดแด˜แด€ส€แด€แด›แดส€แดœสŸ, exact ca atunci cand intri intr-un magazin si cauti un anumit produs, gasesti acel produs la diferite brand-uri, cu costuri, cantitati si calitati diferite. De ce oare pentru un simplu produs putem citi eticheta, iar fata de cei pe care ii vedem in online ramanem amutiti de aparenta si uitam sa intoarcem lucrurile pe toate partile? Daca v-ati imaginat ipoteza inlocuind oamenii cu un produs cred ca v-ati dat seama ca este destul de ironic sa sแด›แด€ษช แดœษชแด›แด€ษดแด…แดœ-แด›แด‡ แด„แด€ ยซ แดแด€แด›แด€ ษชษด แด„แด€สŸแด‡ษดแด…แด€ส€ ยป, sแดœส€แด˜ส€ษชษดs, แด„แด€แด›ส€แด‡ แดœษด แด€แดส™แด€สŸแด€แดŠ.

De ce sa nu privim lucrurile din aceeasi perspectiva ? Sunt oameni care au ce spune si oamenii care nu stiu ce spun, deci prin urmare nici nu au de la ce porni conversatia, pentru ca nimic nu incepe de la o premisa falsa decat o minciuna. In schimb noi suntem cei care ii umplem de ยซ vedetisme ยป peste noapte si pentru ca omul cand se vede in varful piramidei se schimba sau isi arata adevarata fata, la un asemenea impact, ei, din cauza socului si a starii de disperare, แด„ส€แด‡แด‡แด€แดขแด€ แด˜ส€แด‡แดษชsแด‡ า“แด€สŸsแด‡ tocmai pentru a ramane in varf, indiferent de consecintele asupra celorlalti, caci pentru ei scopul scuza mijloacele, iar scopul lor este de a face bani.

Urmaresc si eu oameni din online, sunt persoane educate, persoane care au muncit si inca o fac pentru a urma traseul pe care si-l doresc… oameni inteligenti din diferite puncte de vedere, care nu numai ca au ceva de zis, ei bine แด€แด„แด‡สŸ แด„แด‡แด แด€ แด˜แด‡ แด„แด€ส€แด‡ ษชสŸ แดขษชแด„ แด‡sแด›แด‡ แด€ส€ษขแดœแดแด‡ษดแด›แด€แด› , สŸแดษขษชแด„, แด„แดษดแด„ส€แด‡แด› sษช แด‡xแด˜แด‡ส€ษชแดแด‡ษดแด›แด€แด› แด…แด‡ แด‡ษช. Sunt persoane care si-au creat viata intr-un mod pozitiv si care la randul lor ii incurajeaza prin sfaturi si experiente pe cei care au creier sa asculte, ca de auzit, majoritatea avem functia aceasta biologica dar nu putem spune ca o folosim. Sunt oameni ancorati in realitate, fara contestare.

sแด˜แดœษดแด‡-แดษช แด„แดœ แด„ษชษดแด‡ sแด›แด€ษช, แด„แด€ sแด€-แด›ษช sแด˜แดœษด แด„ษชษดแด‡ แด‡sแด›ษช, แด„แดส€แด‡แด„แด› ?! แด›แดœ แด„แด‡ า“แด‡สŸ แด…แด‡ แดแด แด ส€แด‡ษช sแด€ า“ษชษช ? แด„แด‡ า“แด‡สŸ แด…แด‡ แด‡xแด˜แด‡ส€ษชแด‡ษดแด›แด‡ แด ส€แด‡ษช sแด€ แด˜ส€ษชแด แด‡sแด›ษช ?