Daily journal: 2. THOUGHTS

I woke up like from a nightmare, it was warm but it riped apart the feelings. It was like an avalanche coming inside out. At first I was confused then I realisez how much it bothered me what happened lately. All the thoughts we have at night increase trough sleep and get deeper, thatโ€™s why when I woke up I felt exhausted. You know itโ€™s just another daily struggle and we are causing it. I overthink everything, I empathise.. huge advantages in understand the world but huge mistakes for my internal self. Is it bad to want to understand others? Is it bad to want to pull them to you? Maybe, but rationally you canโ€™t go over otherโ€™s will.

I started writting another day of my struggle, Why? I dont know, it makes me feel better the thought that someone is listening, maybe they find themselves in this, maybe they overcame it or just maybe Iโ€™m being selfish.

Why so many thoughts? Is it better to sealed them?


Fighting


๐’ซ๐‘’๐‘œ๐“…๐“๐‘’ ๐’ถ๐“‡๐‘’ ๐’ป๐’พ๐‘”๐’ฝ๐“‰๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘”โ€ฆone way or another, with, between them or against something else. Itโ€™s an endless struggle we call life. Sometimes we are optimistic, looking forward to the near future, looking at what we can do  and on the other hand, we are seeing the pessimistic side, we focus on what we canโ€™t do, on how bad things turn up to be. With these said, itโ€™s hard to find a balance, that same balance which we are anger to achieve. Iโ€™m also stuck in finding this balance, in finding the good in the bad, in finding the solution that simply lies ahead.

Sometimes I wish things were easier, people were kinder, but that is not a thing which we can control.  Everyone is choosing ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐’พ๐“‡ ๐‘œ๐“Œ๐“ƒ ๐“…๐’ถ๐“‰๐’ฝ, creating their own laws and principles so if those match yours itโ€™s luck I suppose, but if donโ€™t, you need to accept them with no further questions after all each one of us has the right to live as he pleases. 

So why itโ€™s so hard to let the people around us take a different path?

๐’ช๐“‡ ๐“‰๐‘œ ๐“๐‘’๐“‰ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“‚ ๐’ฝ๐’ถ๐“‹๐‘’ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐’พ๐“‡ ๐‘œ๐“Œ๐“ƒ ๐’ธ๐‘œ๐“ƒ๐’ธ๐‘’๐“…๐“‰๐“ˆ ๐‘’๐“‹๐‘’๐“ƒ ๐’พ๐’ป ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“Ž ๐’น๐’พ๐“ˆ๐’ถ๐‘”๐“‡๐‘’๐‘’ ๐“Œ๐’พ๐“‰๐’ฝ ๐“Š๐“ˆ, ๐“Œ๐’พ๐“‰๐’ฝ ๐‘œ๐“Š๐“‡ ๐“Œ๐’ถ๐“Ž ๐‘œ๐’ป ๐“๐’พ๐’ป๐‘’?

Maybe we are attracted to others, and we think we can take them with us, as we are selfish beings, maybe we need them in our lives to fill the empty place in our emotion that we failed to create. Why are we clinging to them even or especially when they donโ€™t want us?

๐ผ๐“‰ ๐’พ๐“ˆ ๐’ท๐‘’๐’ธ๐’ถ๐“Š๐“ˆ๐‘’ ๐“Œ๐‘’ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐“€ ๐“Œ๐‘’ ๐’ธ๐’ถ๐“ƒ ๐’ถ๐’ธ๐’ฝ๐’พ๐‘’๐“‹๐‘’ ๐‘’๐“‹๐‘’๐“‡๐“Ž๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘”, ๐’ธ๐“Š๐“โ€™ ๐“Œ๐‘’ ๐’ถ๐“‡๐‘’ ๐’ธ๐’ถ๐“…๐’ถ๐’ท๐“๐‘’ ๐‘œ๐“‡ ๐’พ๐“‰ ๐’พ๐“ˆ ๐’ท๐‘’๐’ธ๐’ถ๐“Š๐“ˆ๐‘’ ๐“Œ๐‘’ ๐’ถ๐“๐“Œ๐’ถ๐“Ž๐“ˆ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐“€ ๐“Œ๐‘’ ๐’ธ๐’ถ๐“ƒ ๐’ธ๐’ฝ๐’ถ๐“ƒ๐‘”๐‘’ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“‚ ๐‘œ๐“‡ ๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“๐“… ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“‚?

Until now, I tried not voluntarily or consciously to change and to help others. Iโ€™ve always said to myself : people donโ€™t change, unless they want to and that of course needs a tremendous power of will from them, but I donโ€™t know why I tried to stick with them even if I knew the chances were all against. Well I like competition, I like to win and I like to see the smiles upon otherโ€™s faces when Iโ€™m with them, I like to make them happy, but I donโ€™t know why I insisted so much to help them under the pretexts that maybe they donโ€™t know how to help themselves or they are too shy or they donโ€™t have the power or the support to do it. The answer was always in front of me: if they want, they will do it, but I guess I never wanted to believe the fact that they donโ€™t want to. Iโ€™ve always found reasons why they canโ€™t cuzโ€™ I was afraid to find why they donโ€™t want.

๐‘€๐’ถ๐“Ž๐’ท๐‘’ ๐ผโ€™๐“‚ ๐’ฟ๐“Š๐“ˆ๐“‰ ๐’ท๐‘’๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘” ๐“ƒ๐’ถรฏ๐“‹๐‘’ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐“€๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘” ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’ถ๐“‰ ๐’น๐‘’๐‘’๐“… ๐’น๐‘œ๐“Œ๐“ƒ ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“Ž ๐’ฝ๐’ถ๐“‹๐‘’ ๐“€๐’พ๐“ƒ๐’น๐“ƒ๐‘’๐“ˆ๐“ˆ ๐’ถ๐“ƒ๐’น ๐’พ๐“‰โ€™๐“ˆ ๐“ƒ๐‘œ๐“‰ ๐‘’๐“‹๐‘’๐“‡๐“Ž๐“‰๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘” ๐’ฟ๐“Š๐“ˆ๐“‰ ๐’ถ ๐“‡๐‘’๐’ธ๐“€๐“๐‘’๐“ˆ๐“ˆ ๐“ˆ๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“… ๐’ธ๐“‡๐“Š๐“ˆ๐’ฝ๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘” ๐“‰๐‘œ ๐’ถ๐“ƒ ๐’ถ๐’พ๐“ˆ๐’ท๐‘’๐“‡๐‘”.